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Scripts - Season 1
004 - The Return Of Grandma

Danny's mom is coming back for a check-up visit, but Joey forgets to tell. When she arrives, the house is a big mess, and she calls Jesse's and Joey's moms. Also, Jesse brings home a little turtle that he claim saved his life, Bubba.


We find Joey, D.J and Stephanie in the livingroom, as Joey walks in carrying warm pots of cereal with wooden spoons for each of them.
Joey: Cereal, cartoons, pajamas. This is why God created Saturday.
D.J: Let's watch MTV.

Stephanie: No. Let's watch Bugs Bunny.

Joey: But Steph, Bugs Bunny is kid stuff. We gotta watch Yogi Bear.

Stephanie: But I like Bugs Bunny.

Joey: Yeah, but Steph every episode is the same. Elmer Fudd says (imitating Elmer Fudd) 'Why you pesky rabbit'. Then he takes a shot at Bugs. Then Yosemite Sam comes in (imitating Yosemite Sam) 'Ooh, I hate that rabbit'. And he takes a shot at Bugs. I mean, with all that shooting going on, I don't know why Bugs ever pops his head out of that hole. Let's face it. The rabbit has a death wish.

Stephanie: Better than watching Yogi steal the same picnic basket. Boring.

Danny comes downstairs in a dressing gown

Danny: Good morning kids.

Joey, Stephanie & D.J: Hi dad!

Danny: I don't really see you eating cereal out of pots with wooden implements, do I?

D.J: Yes, you do.

Danny: Great. After breakfast, why don't we take this laundry down to the bay and beat it against some rocks? Joey, can you come with me, right now, into the kitchen please?

Joey: What, now? I'll miss the start of Yogi!

Danny: It's not Agatha Christie. You'll catch up.

Joey: (following Danny into the kitchen) Girls, take accurate notes.

Danny and Joey walk into the kitchen. The dishwasher is crammed with dirty dishes.

Danny: Whoa! It's Howdy Dirty Time! Joey, the deal we made was, this is your week to take care of the dishes.

Joey: I'm just waiting till the dishwasher's full. (he puts a dirty wooden spoon in the dishwasher) There, now we won't be wasting water.

Danny: Of course we won't. There's no room for water.

Jesse comes up from the basement.

Jesse: Boy, what a night!

Danny: Jess, what the heck's going on here? You told me you were going to take care of the laundry.

Jesse: I did. I did mine.

Danny: What about everybody else's laundry?

Jesse: (glanze at the laundryroom) Looks to me like they haven't touched it. The lazy bums! Fellas, let me tell you about this story. Alright. Last night, my band's playing this gig in Chinatown. A 'Sweet and sour sixteen party' if you will. (nudges Danny) Anyway, I'm cruising home on my Harley, right. I come to a red light. I stop.

Danny: Great story.

Joey: Oh and, you told it great.

Jesse: Fellas, I'm building. I'm building. Anyway, the light turns green, right? I try to move. I can't. There's something wedged under my tire. Just then, this runaway street cleaner comes barreling through the intersection right where I would have been. I came this close to being a really clean dead guy. Fellas, I'd like to introduce to you the little dude that saved my life...(he takes a live turtle out of his bag)... Bubba! I love this amphibian.

Danny: You just hate coming home alone, don't you?

Jesse: I gotta get my guitar. Hold Bubba (he gives the turtle to Danny) Keep him happy. It just may save your life.

Jesse runs downstairs to the basement.

D.J: (calling from the living room) Joey, where are you?

Danny: (to Joey) Don't let the girls see him. They're going to want to keep him.

Joey: Hide him. Hide him.

Danny: Where?

Joey: The pot. The pot. Under the pot.

Danny: Greatd idea.
They put Bubba under a pot on the kitchen counter.

Joey: OK, I don't see a turtle.

Danny: Act casual.

Joey: Oh, yeah. Nonchalant.

Danny: Good word, 'Nonchalant'.

D.J and Stephanie walk into the kitchen.

D.J: Joey, Yogi may be smarter than the average bear, but he's much dumber than the average three-year-old.

The pot on the counter moves a few inches.

Stephanie: What's that?

Danny: Oh, that? That's, uh. It's dinner. It's roast beef. Yeah, roast beef.

The pot moves some more.

D.J: And where is our roast beef going?

Joey: It's going to the oven.

D.J lifts the pot. Jesse comes upstairs from the basement.

Stephanie: Roast beef comes from turtles?

Jesse: Not my turtle, it doesn't. I love this amphibian.

Stephanie: I love him, too. Can we keep him?

Jesse: Of course we can keep him. Bubba's a hero!

D.J: Uncle Jesse, we'll take care of him for you.

Jesse: All right.

Danny: Are you sure, honey? It's a big responsibility.

D.J: No problem.

Jesse: (staring Bubba in the face) Let's go get Bubba settled. He looks a little pasty.

Jesse and D.J walk upstairs.

Stephanie: What a great day. We get a turtle and Grandma's coming to visit.
(Stephanie is about to walk away, but Danny grabs her and puts her on the counter)

Danny: Stephanie. Sweetheart. Honey. Baby. Did you just say Grandma's coming?

Stephanie: That's what she said on the phone.

Danny: Well, why didn't you say something?

Stephanie: Nobody asked me.

Danny: Steph, it's not possible for me to ask you every question. Do you know how many questions there are in the world?

Stephanie: (thinking for a second) Eight!

Danny: What time is Grandma coming, honey?
(Stephanie shrugs her shoulders)

Joey: The plane gets in at 5:12, sugar-hips!

Danny: (takes Stephanie off the counter) Sweetheart, go upstairs and play with Bubba. (to Joey) Joey, how did you know about my mother?

Joey: I answered the phone when she called.

Danny: Well, why didn't you say something?

Joey: Nobody asked me.

Jesse comes downstairs.

Jesse: I found a home for Bubba. It's calm, cool, comfortable. Nobody flush, okay? All right, I'll shred him lunch. I'll swat him dessert (holds up a fly-swatter)

Danny: Jesse, forget about the turtle. My mom's on her way.

Jesse: Your mom's coming back already? She just moved out of here.

Danny: I know that, but she's coming to check up on me. She doesn't think I can take care of things.

Jesse: What? The place looks great!

Danny: You don't understand. All my life I've had somebody take care of me. First it was my mum, then I got married it was Pam. For the first time, I wanna prove to my mom and to myself that I can take care of my family on my own. By myself. Just me. That's why I desperately need your help.

Jesse: What do you want us to do?

Joey: Yeah.

Danny: Jesse, take another shot at the laundry.

Jesse: All right.

Danny: Joey, see if you can wedge some detergent into the dishwasher. I'm gonna mop the floor.

Jesse: Bad news, Danno. We're out of detergent.

Joey: We're ditto on the dish soap.

Danny: And we're out of floor wax. Let's go shopping. (heads downstairs)

Jesse: Whoa! You're in your pyjamas!

Danny: Oh, I know. I just woke up. (He suddenly realises what Jesse meant) Oh, I get it! I gotta to go put clothes on. Gee, I wish you could wear pyjamas at the market. (walks upstairs).

Joey: (to Jesse) He may need his mother.

Soon, in the living room...

Danny: (with Michelle on the arm) D.J, let's go. Stephanie, hurry up. Grandma's going to be in tee minus seven hours in counting.

Joey: Can't we wait till Yogi's over?

Danny: Tape it. (walks over to put Michelle in her crib)

Joey: Of course I'm going to tape it. I tape all of them. It's just that Yogi is so much better live.

Jesse: (coming in from the kitchen) Alright, we need turtle chow, leafy green... there's no such thing as fly helper, is there? No, okay.

D.J: (coming downstairs) I got the baby diapers, baby wipes, extra baby clothes and the baby's backpack.

Danny: Great.

Stephanie: Here's baby apple juice and baby biter biscuits.

Danny: Wonderful.

Jesse: Well, the baby loves music. You think we should bring along the organ?

Danny: I got it covered. I'm bringing her crib-blaster. OK, troops... move out!

Stephanie: Don't forget Mr. Pandy.

Danny: Oh, that's right, honey. Michelle won't go anywhere without Mr. Pandy. Let's go. Everybody move it. (Danny closes the door then comes back in again and picks up Michelle) I am so sorry. You won't remember this, will you? (He closes the door again, then comes back in again.) How many times do I have to tell you? Make a tinkle before you leave the house.

Joey comes running in.

Later, in the kitchen, the guys are passing boxes up from the basement.

Danny: Coming up.

Joey: Coming up.

Jesse: It's up.

Danny: (passing Michelle to Joey) Coming up.

Joey: Coming up.

Jesse: Don't we have one of these?

D.J: I'll take Michelle. (takes Michelle and exits to the livingroom)

Stephanie: (dragging Mr. Pandy) I hate this thing.

Danny: Only five hours before my mum shows up. Now, here's the plan. I'll do the kitchen. Joey, you do the living room. Jess, you take the bedrooms. Now, who's going to do the toilets?

Joey & Jesse: (looks at each other) Oh, girls.

In the living room, Michelle is riding on Bubba's back.

Stephanie: Giddy up, Bubba. Giddy up. Come on. Come on.

The guys walk in.

Joey: Can I go next?
Jesse: Look at Bubba. Ever seen a turtle that good with kids?

Danny: D.J, go put Annie Oakley in her bunkhouse.

D.J takes Michelle upstairs.

Danny: Jesse, find a corral for Trigger.

Jesse puts Bubba in Michelle's cot.

Danny: Joey, I'm all out of cowboy metaphors, so let's just put away the grub. I was wrong. I had one left.

Joey: Danny, we've been shopping all morning. How about a little Yogi break?

Jesse: Yeah, sit down with your family here. Relax. Watch the bear.

Danny: Alright, alright, but we're just gonna watch until Yogi steals a picnic basket. (sits down). Okay. He's got one. (tries to get up, but is pushed down by Joey).

Claire walks in.

Claire: Hi, yi-yi...

D.J & Stephanie: Grandma! (runs to hug Claire)

Danny: Oh, my God.

Claire walks up to Michelle's cot and looks inside.

Claire: Oh, my God. My granddaughter is a turtle.

Joey: (lifting up Bubba) Michelle needs your love now more than ever.

Jesse: Give me that. (to Claire) This turtle saved my life. Bubba, Claire. Claire, Bubba.
Claire: Hi.
Jesse: I love this amphibian.

Stephanie: Isn't he cool?

D.J: Pet his head, Grandma. He really likes that.

Claire: Oh, he's a reptile!

Jesse: Hey, back off. He's been nothing but nice to you.

Danny: Mum, what are you doing here so early? Joey said you'd be in at 5:12.

Claire: Try 12:05.
Jesse glance at Joey.

Joey: I guess you had to find out sooner or later. (takes a deep breath) My name is Joey, and I'm a time dyslectic. I would have told you earlier, but I'm just not sure when earlier is.

Claire: Girls, will you just go on upstairs and clean your room?

Stephanie: How did she know our room is a mess?

D.J: Grandma vision.
The girls takes Bubby and walk upstairs.

Danny: Mum, don't worry. We're on the verge of a major cleanup. Aren't we, boys?

Jesse: Well, we were, but now what's the point? I mean, no one cleans the house like your ma. (nudges Joey) Right Joseph?

Joey: Oh, you're awesome, Mrs. Tanner.

Jesse: Yeah. So why don't we just get out of your way? And, Claire, go nuts.

Joey: Absolutely. We'll-we'll catch a movie or something, and Mrs. Tanner, if you happen to finish up before we get back I'd just like to leave you with these two words... lamb chops.

They leave.

Danny: Don't listen to him, mum. You can cook anything you want.

Later, Jesse and Joey come back.

Joey: Honey, we're home.

Danny: (walks in) Boys, we got some trouble.

Jesse: I'll say we got trouble. Look at this place. It's a pigsty. I think your ma's lost her touch.

Danny: She doesn't want to clean up our mess. She wants us to do it.

Joey: She wants us to do it?

Jesse: What's the matter? Can't you handle your ma, you wimp? You're totally mummy whipped.

Danny: Oh, I suppose you handle your mum differently?

Jesse: I play my ma like a piano. Yeah.

Claire comes in from the kitchen.

Claire: Well, I'm glad you're back. Come on in.

Two women walk in.

Jesse: Your mom called our moms?

Irene: Hello, Jesse.

Mindy: Hi, Joey.

Jesse & Joey: Hi mom.

Claire: Yes, I thought that Irene and Mindy would be very interested to see how you boys keep house.

Danny: (to Jesse) Okay, piano man. Why don't you show the wimp how to tickle those ivories.

Jesse: (sternly) Ma?

Irene: (sternly) Jesse?

Jesse: (soft voice) Can I make you some tea?

Danny: (claps his hands) Oh, bravo, bravo.

Jesse: Shut up.

Irene: No tea, thank you. Oh, tuck in your shirt. (start to tuck in his shirt)

Jesse: Ma!

Irene: Oh, Jesse,
Jesse: Alright.
Irene: I remember when you were eight years old.

Jesse: Oh, ma, please don't tell that story.

Danny: Oh, no, tell. Tell. We love stories.

Irene: I'll never forget it. My little Jesse tugged on my apron and said, 'Mommy, can I please help you iron?'. I said 'Sure. Finish the sleeve'. It must have been like when Babe Ruth picked up his first bat. To this day, he's the only one I'll trust with my chiffon blouses.

Joey: To iron or wear?

Jesse: Hey, man. To iron.

Claire: Alright, enough of this talking. Now you boys have a lot of work to do. So where's the vacuum cleaner?

Joey: Oh, vacuum cleaner? We'll handle this. Uh, mom, let's show them the hoover.

Mindy: Great. You're just gonna love this.

Joey lies on some roller skates making hoover sounds while Mindy hold his legs.
Joey: Brrrrr!

Claire: Uh, Mindy.

Mindy: Oh. Of course. (places Joey's legs on the organ bench) Now, now, Joey, there is a time to have fun and a time to be serious.

Claire: Listen, girls, I think that one of us should be here at all times to see that things go properly. So, I mean, after all, this is where our grandchildren live.

Irene: You are so right. I can be here Monday through Wednsday.

Mindy: Well, I'm free Thursdays and Fridays.

Claire: That's wonderful. And I can fly in on the weekends so it's all settled.
Irene: Terrific.

Danny: Boys, we are staring into the jaws of a never-ending living hell.

Moms: What? Hey!

Danny: (to the moms) No offence.

Joey: Moms, I don't blame you for treating us like children. I mean, 'cause sometimes that's how we act.

Jesse: Yeah, listen, girls. When we first moved in here we knew we had some responsibilities to do, but we haven't really fallen through yet, but from now on we're really going to buckle down.

Danny: Mothers, I have a propsition for you. You all go shopping for a couple of hours, and if this place isn't clean by the time you get back, you can all move in and just rule our lives forever. Deal?

Moms: Deal!

The guys are at the top of the starirs in front of the bathroom.

Danny: OK, there's the bathroom.

Jesse: Yep, there's the bathroom.

Joey: Same place it was last time we didn't clean it.

They all stare inside.

Danny: Here's a thought, why don't we see if the girls have finished cleaning their room.

Jesse: Loving it. Loving it.

They walk into the girls' room. The room is a mess.

Danny: What happened?

Joey: There's been a bedroom tornado.

Stephanie: We lost something.

Danny: Might that be your minds?

D.J: We lost... (muffling the last word with her hand) mmmph.

Jesse: What exactly is... mmmph?

Stephanie: Mmmph is what you say when you don't want to say... Bubba.

Jesse: You lost Bubba?

Joey: He loves that amphibian.

D.J: We're really sorry. We turned our backs for one minute and he was gone.

Danny: It's okay, girls. I'm sure Bubba is somewhere in the house.

Jesse: Alright, guys, we're going to turn this house upside-down until we find that turtle. Ready? Go.

Everyone: Bubba! Bubba! Where are you?

Later in the living room (which is a total mess)

Stephanie: No Bubba?

Jesse: No Bubba.

D.J: Uncle Jesse, me and Steph will buy you another turtle.

Stephanie: You can have all my money... $2.58.

The three mums walk in.

Irene: My advice is don't clean any more. Just move.

Danny: We'll be right with you. We're having a little family problem here.

Stephanie: We'll look for Bubba for the rest of our lives.

Jesse: Aw, it's alright. Bubba's work here was done. I'm sure he's out in the world saving other lives.

D.J: You mean, you're really not mad at us?

Joey: You don't think we'd get mad over a stinky turtle.

Jesse: Hey, if you had four armpits and you were an inch off the ground, how would you smell?

Danny: Girls, girls, I know you feel bed. But that's because you love your Uncle Jesse and you feel like you let him down. I know that losing Bubba was an accident. You've got to understand we're right behind you no matter what you do.

Joey: And if you ever have a problem, we'll be there for you.

Jesse: That's right. And if we ever have a problem, we know you guys would be there for us, too, right? (D.J and Stephanie nod) Alright. Come here, you little munchkins. Give us a hug.

They hug Jesse and Joey.
Jesse & Joey: Alright!

Danny: Next.

The girls hug Danny.

Irene: That is so sweet.

Jesse: Alright, enough of this warmth junk.

Claire: Oh, we're gonna have a great time living here, right, girls?
Irene: Oh, yes.

Mindy: You bet.

Danny: Just a minute ladies. We would like another shot at this, please.

Joey: Why don't you the girls to the zoo for three hours.

D.J: Yeah.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Jesse: We got some work to do, alright?
Claire: Alright.
They all put theit hands on top of each other and break.
Everyone: And break!

Soon, the guys start cleaning while dancing to 'I feel good', and finish off by doing the splits.
All: Owww. Whoo.

Joey: I split my pants.

Danny: I can't stand my pants. Okay, guys, we made it with five seconds to spare. Come on. Everybody up. Let's go. 5.....

Jesse: We're done.

Danny: 4...

Joey: We're cool.

Danny: 3....

Jesse: We're calm.

Danny: 2.....1....

The mothers and the girls walk in.

Claire: Oh. We completely lost track of the time.

Irene: Oh! It's immaculate.

Stephanie: Grandma Irene, does this mean hell is freezing over?

Danny: Go on, find a speck of dirt, a microbe of filth. I double dare you.

Mums: Okay. Alright.

The girls put their suveniers from the zoo on the front step.

Guys: Hey! Whoa!

Jesse: That's not where these go. You take Granmda's goodies, and you take them right upstairs and put them in the toy box now.
D.J & Stephanie: Whoa!

D.J: And he used to be the easy one.

The gils head upstairs. Irene, Mindy and Claire walk towards the kitcken.

Joey: Hold it! Hold it! You're about to enter a sterile environment.

He hoovers each one as they walk into the kitchen.

Jesse: Don't even think about it! (in the kitchen) Ma, how about those creases, huh?

Irene: Jesse, you still have your touch.

Danny: (to Claire) Perfet. Everything is just perfect.

Joey: Look, mom, you could eat off these dishes.

Claire: Congratulations. I am really proud of all of you.

A woman walks in.

Mrs. Sianski: Sorry. Banks' closed. Can you pay me in cash?

Joey: Mom, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Jennifer.

Mindy: You're going to give me a grandchild?

Mrs. Sianski: Not for this kind of money.

Danny: Here you go, Mrs. Sianski. Thanks for everything. See you you next weekend.

The moms nod unapprovingly.
Moms: Oh, sure.

Danny: Okay, so we had a little help.

Jesse: Well, just with the hard stuff and the toilets.

Joey: But we make a great team.

Danny: From now on, things are gonna go a lot smoother around here.

Claire: I'm sure they will. Does that mean you won't need us anymore?

The mothers give 'the lip'.

Joey: Ooh, they're good.

Jesse: Of course we still need you. You girls come by and visit anytime.

Claire: Okay, listen, I have to admit that I was a little worried about how you boys were managing the girls. Well, you may be a little sloppy but... those kids are getting a lot of love.

Danny: Aw, thanks, mom.

Joey, Jesse and Danny hug their mums. D.J comes downstairs.

D.J: Aw, this is nice. I wish Bubba was here to share this.

Bubba comes in through the back door on a skateboard.

D.J: Bubba!

Stephanie: I found him. I love that amphibian.

*** The End ***

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