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Scripts - Season 1
001 * Our Very First Show

Three months after his wife is killed in a car accident, Danny Tanner recruits his brother-in-law Jesse Katsopolis and his best friend Joey Gladstone to move in with him and help him raise his three daughters, ten year-old DJ, five year-old Stephanie and baby Michelle.


We find Danny, DJ, and Stephanie in the livingroom. Grandma Claire is coming down the stairs and is about to leave...
Danny: Let’s go, Mom. Your bags are in the cab, the meeter’s running.
Claire: The baby’s sleeping like a baby. (Looks at the girls)  Oh, my angels!
D.J & Stephanie: Oh, grandma! (Runs and hug Claire)

Claire: Oh, I’m gonna miss you.
Danny: Honey, Grandma’s gotta go. (Pulling Stephanie away, but she runs back)
Claire: Sweetheart, I’m just gonna miss you so.
Danny: (Pulling D.J away) Grandma’s really gotta go. (Pulling Stephanie away, and D.J runs back) Oh, boy, does Grandma gotta go.
Claire: Oh, you know, Danny...Danny, I don’t have to go back home.
D.J & Stephanie: (Exited, jumping) YAY!!

Danny: Uh, Mom... This isn’t how we rehearsed this last night. Let’s take a little walk, okay? (Walks across the livingroom floor. D.J and Stephanie follow them) Now, you know aswell as I do that...
(Turn around and look at the girls, and the girls walks away) Mom... look... it’s time to go home. You’ve been taking care of us ever since Pamela died. I don’t know how we would have made it through the past three months without you. (Walks back across the livingroom floor) But Dad needs you too. You remember Dad, don’t you? Your husband. Kind of balding and glasses. Wears his boxers shorts up around his neck. Mom, I’ve got everything under control. Help is moving in today.

Claire Tanner: (On the front steps) Well, if you need me, I'm on the next plane.
Danny: (Hugs Claire) Aw, thank you, Mom.

Claire: Okay.

D.J & Stephanie: Bye, Grandma.

Danny: Bye, mom.

Claire: Bye.

D.J & Stephanie: Bye.

Claire: Oh, my angels!

D.J & Stephanie: Oh, Grandma!
Stephanie: Don't leave!

Claire: I love you.

Danny: Come on.
Claire: Goodbye, sweetheart.

Stephanie: Goodbye, grandma.

Claire: Bye. Bye.

D.J, Stephanie & Danny: Bye

Claire leaves.

Danny: (Jumps down from the front steps to the floor) Okay. Are we gonna have fun, or what? (D.J & Stephanie frown) Hey, hey, hey! Let's see some smiles. Everything is gonna work out super great. (They sit down on the coach) Your uncle Jesse is moving in. My best friend Joey is moving in. And you know what? That means that you two are gonna get to be roommates. Isn't that exciting?

Stephanie: (Exited) I can wear all DJ's clothes!
D.J: Do I have to share my room with her?

Danny: Honey, it's going to be just like having a slumber party.

D.J: Yeah, with only one guest... who never leaves! (D.J frown)
Jesse enters the front door.
Jesse: Hey! Look alive! Uncle Jesse's here!
D.J & Stephanie: Uncle Jesse!
Jesse: (imitating the girls) Uncle Jesse! (in his normal voice) All right! Hello! D.J, how you doing? That tooth come in yet?
D.J: Nah.
Jesse: That's okay. One less to brush.
(Jesse walks over to the coach)
Danny: Hey, Jess!
Jesse: Danno!
Danny: You missed breakfast, where have you been?
Jesse: I know, I'm sorry. Last night, after my gig at the smash club, I go for a cruise on my Harley, right? Nest thing I know, I'm in Reno. It was dark, who would have known? Then, I happened to wander into this show, Razzle Dazzle '87, much better than Razzle Dazzle '86, by the way. And I see this incredible showgirl Vanessa, right? Our eyes meet. (Danny looks at the girls, concerned at what they might be hearing) Ba-boom, this lightning bolt of passion shoots across the casino. Turns out, Vanessa is on her way to the Philippines to do a Bob Hope special, and is dying for one last night of good old American...
Danny: Food, food! She was hungry, right?
Jesse: (With a goofy grin) Oh yeah. She was starving. (Normal face) Only we never got a chance to, uh, 'eat', because she had to turn her feathers in.
Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, let's play Ballerina.
Jesse: Uncle Jesse doesn't want to play Ballerina.
Stephanie: Yes, he does...
Jesse: No, he doesn't...
Stephanie: Yes, he does...
Jesse: No, he doesn't!
Stephanie: (pretending to cry) Yes he does.
Jesse: (Leans down to Stephanie) How do you play ballerina?
Stephanie: Dance!
(Stephanie takes Jesse's hand and dance on her tippy-toes arund him)
Jesse: Okay, that was fun.
Stephanie: Here's more fun. Catch me!
(Jesse lift up Stephanie in his arms.)
Jesse & Stephanie: (While holding out their arms) Pose!
Jesse: Okey.
Stephanie: Turn around. On your tippy-toes! 
(Jesse turn around on his tippy-toes with Stephanie still in his arms)
Jesse: Tippy-toes, right.
Stephanie: (Pointing her finger at Jesse) You need practice. We'll do this every day.
Joey enters carrying a pile of laundry, while making a noise imitating a trumpet.
D.J: Hi, Joey.
Joey: Hi, Danny.
Danny: Oh, Joey, buddy. This is the best, you're moving in! (Danny takes the pile of laundry from Joey)
Joey: Thanks, Danny. This works out so perfect. I move into a place with a washing machine on the exact day I run out of clean clothes.
(Danny drops the pile of laundry, which he now knows to be dirty)
Joey: Jesse, long time no see. Now be honest, did you ever think we'd end up being roommates?
Jesse: Not once.
Joey: Ha, ha, ha. I love this guy. (Walks over to the livingroom alcove) Danny, there's no way all my stuff will fit into a room this tiny.
Danny: Joey, this is not a tiny room. This is a large alcove. In fact, this is a large alcove that you're living in for free.
Joey: You know, now that I take a close look at it, it's enormous... !normous... !normous...! (Walks over to the girls) We are gonna have so much fun, aren't we, kids? (Imitates Popeye's laugh) (Imitates tying a knot and throwing it away sound)
D.J: Think we could catch grandma at the airport?

Danny and Jesse enter Jesse's new room.
Danny: Nice, huh? Roomy. (Jesse looks at the pink bunnies on the wall) Not overly masculine.
Jesse: Oh golly, it's swell. (Walks over to the window) You know what would look great over here by the window? Barbie's dream house.
Danny: We've got one. (Jesse shrugs) Look, Jesse, I just want you to know that having you and Joey here really means a lot to me. Just knowing somebody's here who cares about the girls. You know, they're so happy you're here. Oh, God bless you! (Danny hugs Jesse)
Jesse: You're hugging me in a room with pink bunnies.
Danny: Oh, sorry. I'm an emotional guy.
Jesse: It's alright.
Danny: Okay, let's face it. I'm a lean, mean, hugging machine.
Jesse: (Puts his hands on Danny's shoulders) Okay. Danny, listen. Pam was my big sister, and I loved her very much, and I love
your kids, and I'm happy to do what I can.
Danny: (Danny hugs Jesse again) Oh.
Jesse: Aah, you're hugging me again! Now listen; you and me, we'll sit down, we'll set aside a special time for hugging. But not now. (Jesse opens the closet door to hang his clothed, and notices that the closet rack is too low) Oh great, I live in Webster's room!

DJ and Stephanie are in their new bedroom, which they now share.
(They walk across the room while D.J divides the room with yellow creap paper)

D.J: Rule number one: Never touch my stuff. You should be taking notes. Rule number two: Never set foot on my half of the room. 
Stephanie: How do I get out of here? 
D.J: Easy. You jump out the window and climb down the tree. 
Stephanie: (Look towards the window) I don't think so. 
D.J: Suit yourself. 
Stephanie: I'll find a way out. (Stephanie climbes onto the window curtain) Oh!
(When Stephanie is almost over, D.J pulles the curtain back so Stephanie is back to where she started)
Stephanie: Oh!
Danny and Jesse enter the room 
Danny: Stephanie, what are you doing? 
Stephanie: (Still hanging in the curtain) Just hanging around. 
Danny: Come on, honey, get down from there. 
Joey enters 
Joey: (Noticing the yellow barrier tied across the room) All right! Limbo. Dika-laka-puka... dika-laka-puka... dika-laka-puka... no way. 
D.J: This is a nightmare. 
Danny: Uh, D.J, honey, I told you everything is gonna work out super great. I'm sorry, I've got to get down to the station. Try to watch my sports report this afternoon. Today starts my special two-part series entitled, 'Boxers: Highly Skilled Athletes or Bullies in Shorts?'
(Jesse and Joey look at eachother)
Stephanie: Can I have a piggy-back ride?
Danny: Sure, honey. Hop on!
(Danny walks over to Stephanie and she jumps onto his back)
Danny: (While walking through the room) All right. Now, the baby's schedule is on the refrigerator. You guys can handle this, can't you?
Jesse & Joey: Sure!
Jesse: We'll take care of the kid.
Stephanie: (To D.J) Told you I'd find a way out.
(D.J look back waith a disgruntled face)

Jesse and Joey are in Michelle's nursery, where Michelle is crying. 
Joey: (in a baby's voice) Oh, Michelle, little baby-waby. What's the matter? (looks at Jesse) Uncle Jesse, what are we gonna do? 
Jesse: First, we stop talking like a munchkin. (Michelle continues to cry) Hey, shut up! 
Joey: Wait, I'll handle this. I'm a comic - it's my non-paying job to cheer people up. (imitating Kermit the Frog) Uh, Michelle, it's me, Kermit the frog. Now, uh, you don't want to cry, do ya? (Michelle continues to cry) (imitating Pee-Wee Herman) Oh, hi. It's me, Pee-Wee Herman. Ha-ha! Do you wanna come to my house? Ha, ha! (normal voice) Wait, she'll love it. I call it, 'The Sprinkler'. (Joey drinks water, and starts to spit it out, like a sprinkler. Meanwhile, Jesse grabs a little umbrella and covers Michelle) Tough room. Jesse, what if she needs to be... uh... changed? 
Jesse: Check it out. Go. 
Joey: (lchecking inside of the diaper) We have a winner. Now what? 
Jesse: Joseph. Put yourself in her place. What would you want done? 
Joey: I've never changed a diaper. 
Jesse: Me neither. At least you touched one. All right, look out, I'll show you how it's done. (to Michelle) Come here child. (picks up Michelle) You believe this guy? (to Joey) All right, make yourself useful. 
Joey: (Grab Michelle's feet) I'll take the south end. 
Jesse: Good. 
Jesse and Joey walk out of the room, head down the stairs into the living room, and then into the kitchen. 
Joey & Jesse: Step one, step two, step one, step two, step one, step two, step one, step two, step. 
Jesse: Okay, good. Look out! 
Joey: Okay, okay, okay, keep her coming. 
Stephanie: (in the living room) Showtime! 
In the kitchen
Joey: Where will we put the baby? 
Jesse: Where will we put the child? 
Joey: Uh, the pot! Over here. 
Jesse: Whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa... whoa! Joey, this is a living thing. You don't just stick in a pot. Use a meat rack. 
Joey: Meat rack. I'm an idiot. Uh...
Jesse: Come on. 
Joey: Okay. 
Jesse: All right. Good. 
Joey: All right. Great. 
Jesse: Let's set her down here. There we go. 
Stephanie: Are you gonna cook Michelle? 
Joey: We're changing her diaper. 
Stephanie: Oh, then how do you roast a turkey? 
Jesse: Steph! Joey and I are busy. Joey, strip her. (Joey takes off the diaper) All right, careful there. You're in control. All right, slide it off and... ugh! 
Joey: Uh... uh... (puts the dirty diaper into a plastic bowl and covers it with the lid) 
Jesse: Good thinking, Joey. Keep it fresh. 
Joey: Okay, hold her up. I'll clean her off. 
Jesse: Good idea. Come on, Michelle, all right. (Joey tries to shoot water at Michelle to clean her off) You're missing! You're missing! You're missing! All right now, come on, gently now, gently now, gently. (Joey gently splashes water at Michelle) There we go. This is great. We should be mothers. 
Joey: Oh, yeah. 
Jesse: All right, let's dry her up. 
Joey: Okay. Fan her. Fan her fanny. Fan her fanny. 
Joey: You know these babies have it made? I would kill for this kind of service. 
Jesse: All right, diapers. 
Joey: Diapers... diapers 
Jesse: Where are the diapers? 
Joey: Diapers... 
Jesse: Diapers... 
Joey: Diapers, diapers... 
Jesse: Diapers... 
Joey: (pointing to the roll of paper towels) Hey, superabsorbent. 
Jesse: Bring it over. Okay, now what? 
(Jesse and Joey spin Michelle into layers of paper towels)
Joey: Okay, spin her. 
Jesse: Spin her. 
Joey: Spin her. 
Jesse: Spin her.
Joey: (takes Michelle) I got her.
Jesse: Good (grabs a plastic bag) Allright, now, so we'll wrap her up in this, come on. Put her right in here. (puts Michelle into the plastic bag) It's too easy. 
Joey: Works for me. 
Jesse: And, hey, you spilled some juice on the counter?
Joey: Just wipe it up with baby tiny bottom!
Stephanie: Not bad. But next time try these. (Stephanie holds the diapers) 
Jesse: Steph, why did you wait till now to give us the diapers? 
Stephanie: Nobody asked me.

Jesse and Joey are in the front room. Danny has just come home from work...
Danny: Hey guys. How'd it go today with - whoa! What happened? What's with all the dirty baby clothes?
The doorbell rings.
Joey: I'm sorry, but every time we fed her, she'd drool, or dribble, or spit up.
Jesse: Your baby's a pig.
Jesse opens the door, and Vanessa is in the doorway.
Vanessa: Hi, Jesse.
Jesse: Vanessa, have mercy. I thought you were supposed to go to the Philippines with Bob Hope.
Vanessa: Oh, well, I am, but the airport's fogged in. So, is that offer to stay with you anytime still good?
Jesse: Oh, it's more than good. It's... uh... amazing. (Jesse and Vanessa kiss)
Stephanie enters.
Stephanie: Hi, uncle Jesse. Ready for more ballerina?
Jesse: Uh... we'll play it later, okay?
Stephanie: Okay, it's later. Catch me! (Jesse catches her) Pose!
Jesse: Pose! Alright. Listen, why don't you go upstairs and play ballerina with your big sister?
Stephanie: I can't. She moved out.
Danny: Stephanie, honey, what do you mean she moved out ?
Stephanie: She's gone. She rolled up her crepe paper and took off.
Danny: (Lifts Stephanie) Okay, everybody follow me.
Jesse: (to Vanessa) Come on.
Danny, Joey, Jesse, and Stephanie walks into D.J and Stephanie's bedroom.
Danny: You lost my daughter? I went to work for seven hours, and you lost thirty-three percent of my children? (Jesse and Joey look nervously at each other) Joey, call the police. Jesse, start driving around the neighborhood. I'm gonna call up D.J's friends. 
They all walk out of the bedrrom.
Stephanie: And I'll go get D.J.
The boys walk back into the bedroom.
Danny: (hunches down) Stephanie, honey.
Stephanie: Yes, daddy?
Danny: Sweetheart, do you know where D.J is?
Stephanie: Uh-huh.
Danny: Why didn't you say something sooner?
Stephanie: Nobody asked me.

Danny, Jesse, and Joey enters the garage, where D.J is on the telephone with Kimmy Gibbler.
Danny: D.J, can I talk to you?
D.J: (on the telephone) Kimmy, hang on. (to Danny) I'm talking to Kimmy Gibbler. She called me on her own phone from her own room. She has three sisters.
Danny: D.J, you don't want to live in the garage. It's filthy, it's stuffy.
D.J: You want some fresh air? (D.J opens the garage door)
Danny: (in a firm voice) Donna Jo, I want you back inside right now, this instant. (in a milder voice) Is that okay?
D.J: No, thank you, dad. (on the telephone) So, Kimmy, where were we?
Jesse: (to Danny) Nice job, dad. Been reading Cosby's book?
Joey: Cosby? I'll handle this. (imitating Bill Cosby, talking to D.J) Hello, there, small childlike person. Mm...ha...ha...ha! If you move back into the house, you can have a big, juicy bowl of Jell-O. Mm...ha...ha...ha...ha...ha...ha!
D.J: (on the telephone) No, Kimmy. That's not really him. I'll call you later. (Hangs up the phone)
Stephanie enters the garage.
Stephanie: Daddy, the baby's crying. She's got that thirsty look in her eyes.
Stephanie goes back upstairs again.
Danny: (to Stephanie) Okay, honey. I'll be right up. (to Joey) Joey, would you mind warming up the baby's bottle?
Joey: Well, not at all. Although with this particular baby, it might be simpler just to pour the formula directly into the diaper. (pats Danny on the shoulder) Well, think about it.
Joey leaves to warm up the baby's bottle.
Jesse: All right, D.J's all set and I got Vanessa's upstairs waiting, so best of luck to both of you.
Danny: No, look, Jesse, look, I got to go check on the baby. Won't you just stay here with D.J? Talk to her, I'll be right back. You're her uncle. Try to be parental or somethin'.
Danny walks upstairs.
Jesse: Parental? It's cool. I can be parental. I got parents. (Walk over and taps D.J's shoulder)
D.J: Can I help you?
Jesse: Yes. You can move your little bod back in the house. (Hunch down) Look, DJ, I don't blame you for wanting your own room, but you gotta understand this world is not a perfect place. Bruce Willis has a record deal. Yeah, but then a Vanessa shows up at your door and it all evens out, you know what I'm sayin'?
D.J: Yeah.
Jesse: Good. So you'll move back in?
D.J: Nah.
Jesse: Nah! Hmph. Ha, ha. All right. I'll speak the language you understand. (points his indexfinger at her to mark his point) Five bucks if you move back in.
D.J: Fifty.
Jesse: Ten.
D.J: Forty-nine.
Jesse: (surprised) A buck? You went down a buck?
D.J: Okay. It's back up to fifty.
Jesse: (Hunch down) All right. My final offer. Twenty bucks.
D.J: Twenty-one. (sticks out her hand) Vanessa's waiting.
Jesse gives D.J the money.

Danny, Joey, Stephanie and Michelle are in the livingroom as Jesse walks in.
Jesse: All right, D.J's moving back in.
Danny: She is? That's fantastic! What did you do?
Jesse: I have a very special way with kids.
Jesse starts to go upstairs.
Danny: Uh, Jesse, hang on. Vanessa's not upstairs.
Jesse comes back downstairs.
Jesse: Where's Vanessa?
Danny: Well, uh...
Stephanie: She's history.
Jesse jumps the couch and covers Stephanie's ears.
Jesse: What the hell did you do with Vanessa?
Danny: I didn't do anything with her. I just told her that with three little girls in the house, I thought it would be better is she slept on the couch. And she left.
Jesse: You hate me, don't you?
D.J enters the room.
Danny: D.J?
Jesse: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Vanessa's gone. The deal's off. I want my money back.
Danny: What money?
D.J: The money Uncle Jesse paid me to move back in.
Danny: That's your special way with children, you buy them off?
Jesse: It works. Kid, money.
D.J: Fine, I have other sources of income. I'll go back to my new room and have a garage sale.
Danny: D.J, wait. D.J! (to Jesse) Here. Take Michelle. (to Stephanie) Come with me, honey.
Jesse: (looking at Michelle) Don't even think about it.

Danny, D.J, and Stephanie are in the kitchen.
Danny: D.J. Honey, I can't let you have a garage sale.
D.J: What if I give you ten percent of the profits?
Danny: D.J, come here. Can't you just try sharing a room with your sister? (sighs) Your mom was always so good at this stuff. I'd come home from work and everything was always perfect. (sighs) D.J, how would mom have handled this?
D.J: She would've caught me before I moved into the garage. Mom knew everything I did before I did it.
Danny: What is it, honey?
D.J: It's just not fair. First I lose my mom. Then grandma leaves. Now I even lose my own room? Everything keeps disappearing.
Danny: I know exactly how you feel. And I know how much you girls miss your mother...because I miss her, too. Very much. But you still got me.
Stephanie: (walks over to D.J and takes her hand) You got me, too.
Danny: You got Michelle, and you have your uncle Jesse and Joey. D.J, we're still a family. And now is when we really need to stick together. D.J, you and I, we go back a long time. Ten years. The ten happiest years of my life. So, look, it's up to you. Either you move back inside, or all five of us are moving into the garage. But nothing is gonna break up this team.
D.J: (smiles) I'll move back in.
Danny and D.J hugs.
Danny: (chuckles) I love you, angel. (puts Stephanie on his lap) You too, little ballerina.
All three of them hugs.

Jesse is in the livingroom, talking to Michelle, while Joey are putting things away in the alcove.
Jesse: (mild voice) Hey, Michelle. Michelle, can you say, 'Uncle Jesse'?
Michelle: Ah-ah!
Jesse: That's it! You said it! You said, 'Uncle Jesse'! (kisses Michelle on the head) (Danny, D.J, and Stephanie enters and Jesse changes his voice) Starting tomorrow, you use the toilet just like the rest of us.
D.J: Good news, Uncle Jesse. Our deal's back on. (Jesse starts to take out money) It's okay. I'll put it on your tab.
Jesse: All right.
D.J kisses Jesse on the cheek.
Danny: Aw! Is this working out great or what? (puts his hand around Jesse's shoulder) These girls are crazy about you.
Jesse: Oh, sure. I dance around and give them money.
Michelle: Uh-uh.
Jesse: Now what's the problem?
Danny: Oh, there's no problem. She's singing. Michelle loves music.
Joey: Music? I'll handle this. (Joey starts to sing) Ooh. Flinstones, meet the Flinstones...
Joey & Jesse: (singing) They're a modern stone-age family...
Jesse: Everybody sing along.
Everybody: (singing) From the town of Bedrock, they're a page right out of history...
Jesse: Let's take a walk.
Everybody: (singing while walking around the crib) Let's ride with the family down the street. Through the courtesy of Fred's two feet. When you're with the Flintstones...
Jesse: Take it down, guys.
Danny, Jesse & Joey: (singing) We'll have a yabba-dabba do time...
D.J & Stephanie: (singing) A dabba-do time...
Everybody: (singing) We'll have a gay old time...
Stephanie: Wilma!

*** The End ***

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