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Scripts - Season 1
002 * Our Very First Night

All three adults want to leave the house, but one of them has to stay and watch the girls. Jesse is the one chosen, and he finds a way to be with his band and wake the girls up, who join the party until a very upset Danny return home from work.


In Michelle's Room.
Jesse: All right.
Joey: And the diaper is on!
Jesse: Beautiful! 17 minutes. We beat our old record by 37 minutes.
(Jesse and Joey high five each other)
Both: Baby wipe.
(Each take some tissues to wipe off with)
Both: Ohh...
Jesse: Whup!
Joey: Pah!
(Throws tissues in the baby cushion walker)
Jesse: Alright.

Joey: Hold it. I'm about to make a quantum leap in diaper theory.

Jesse: Go with it. Go with it.

Joey: If we triple the diaper, we get three times the protection, but we change her one third as often.

Jesse: Loving it. Loving it. (picks up two extra diapers) We put two diapers together and... Michelle Tanner, come on down!

Joey: You know the other way to go is to tie a hefty bag around her waist. That way we'd only have to change her on trash day.

Jesse: (talking to Michelle) Junior Jammy time. (picks out a pajamas onesie) Huh?

Joey: (talking to Michelle) It's you!

Jesse: Alright. Here we go. (talking to Joey while dressing Michelle) We put the leg in like so. We simply, uh.. We tie! We tie. We simply tie like this. Very nice.

Joey: Woah. Snag in the plan. I suggest we go with a lovely 2-piece ensemble from baby Armani.

Jesse: Using your head, Joseph. Using your head. All right. Hey!

Joey: (picks out a piece of clothing from the closet) Um... (ties the clothing around Michelle) Here we go. Oh, yeah. Oh, yuppie baby!

Jesse: Oh, this is good.

Danny walks in.

Danny: Okay, I got the girls in...

Joey and Jesse: TA-DA!!!

Danny: Gentleman, Tarzan, who was rasied in the jungle by apes went to bed in better shape than that baby.

Jesse: Big deal, you're talking about a guy who wore diapers his entire life.

Danny: I really appreciate the effort, but I'll take it from here.

Jesse: Oh, yeah, sure, now that all the work is done. Good night, Michelle.

Joey: (imatating a baby) Good night, Uncle Jesse. Next time you see me I'll have a big surprise for you. (Danny and Jesse chuckles) I don't care how many diapers I have on. He, he, he!

Danny: (Taking Michelle) Give me my kid. (to Michelle) Aw... You really are a good sport. 

In Jesse's Room, Stephanie walks in.

Stephanie: Hi, Uncle Jesse.

Jesse: 'How you doin', kid?'

Stephanie: (looking around) What happened to my room?

Jesse: Looks pretty cool, huh? (He demonstrates by Elvis poster) Look at this, I'm hanging Elvis up right here.

Stephanie: Over my bunnies?

Jesse: Well, Steph, your bunnies are very, uh... pink.

Stephanie: My mom made those bunnies just for me. Don't you like them?

Jesse: (Tears down his Elvis poster) These bunnies. I love these bunnies. I'm sure Elvis had bunnies hanging all over Graceland.

Danny walks in.

Danny: Okay, it's riddle time. What has blond hair, purple pajamas and is up way past their bedtime?

Stephanie: Um, Elvis?

Joey walks in.

Joey: Steph, the Sandman Express is comin'. (harmonica music) All aboard!

Stephanie climbs on Joey's back.

Stephanie: Whoo-whoo!
Harmonica music continues as they leave the room

Jesse: (to Danny) You see that? Any of your ape friends do that for Tarzan?

In Stephanie and D.J's room. Joey and Stephanie comes throught the door while D.J is getting ready for bed. Joey takes Stephanie to to her bed.

Joey: Last stop, Stephanie's bed.

Stephanie hops onto her toy chest.

Stephanie: Thank you, Sandman Express.

Joey: The Sandman Express runs every night.

D.J: If I get on now, will you drop me off at the nearest hotel?

Danny and Jesse walks in.

Danny: (pats D.J on her shoulder) Okay, lets say goodnight.

Jesse: Alright, goodnight, junior babes.

Stephanie: Uncle Jesse, tell us a bedtime story.

Jesse: Uncle Jesse doesn't not know any bedtime stories.

Stephanie: Yes, he does.

Jesse: No, he doesn't.

Stephanie: Yes, he does.

Jesse: (sternly) No, he doesn't.

Stephanie: (pretend crying while rubbing her eyes) Yes, he does!

Jesse: I'll make one up! Why?

Stephanie: Yay!

Stephanies runs to D.J's bed gets in next to her

Jesse: Alright, fellas, help me out here.

Joey: We'll make it a game. Steph, you start the story and you girls point to us when you want someone else to take over.

Stephanie: Okay! Once upon a time there was a pretty girl named Cinderella. (points to Danny) Daddy!

Danny: And, uh, Cinderella wanted to go to this big fancy ball. And on the way she wandered into this cabin and she fell alsleep in papa bear's bed.

Stephanie: I don't think so.

Danny: No, wait, honey, it gets better. So she's on the bed, she's out like a light when all of a sudden....

Stephanie: (imitates buzzer) Joey.

Joey: Um, when Cinderella woke up she was real thirsty so she went to 7-Eleven for a Slurpee where she ran into Bullwinkle! So Bullwinkle says (imitates Bullwinkle) Hello Cinderella. Would you like to come to the ball with me? Not only am I a great dancer but you can hang your coat on my antlers. (to Danny and Jesse) Kids love this stuff. (Back to the story) So...

D.J: (imitates buzzer) Uncle Jesse.

Jesse: So, Cinderella, Bullwincle, they get married, right? They go on 'The Newlywed Game' and they win a grand prize selected especially for them. Goodnight.

Stephanie: (imitates buzzer) Daddy.

Danny: Until... The big bad wolf came over. And he said, open up or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down! And I can do it too, because as we all know wolves have an amazing lung capacity.

Stephanie: (imitates buzzer) Joey.

Joey: So...

D.J: (imitates buzzer) Uncle Jesse.

Jesse: So the wolf, the moose, the babe they all fell in love, right. They moved to Sweden where people are a lot more cooler about that sort of thing. And that's the end of the story. Goodnight and goodbye.

D.J: No monsters, no witches, but that story was very scary.

Danny: Okay, sweetheart. (Lift Stephanie back to her bed) It's time to go to bed.

Stephanie: Can I ask one more favor?

Danny: Sure, honey. What is it?

Stephanie lifts up a pile of books from her night stand and gives them to Danny.

Stephanie: Study these story books. We'll talk about them in the morning.

Danny: (to Jesse and Joey): Okay. Who wants 'Puddle Duck and the Quack-Quack Gang'?

Jesse and Joey: Read it.

In the living room where Joey and Danny are  about to leave. Jesse comes down the stairs to the door ready to go to band rehearsal

Jesse: Hello, Joey, Danny, how you guys doing? Goodnight.

Danny stops both guys by getting in front of the door

Danny: Woah, woah, woah! Hold it, guys. Red light! Guys, the only way that three adults can leave the house at the same time is if three children are with them. Two adults can leave. One adult can leave. Three, two, or one child can leave 'with one to three adults'. But three adults can never leave with less than three children, got it?
Jesse and Joey share a confused look.

Jesse: Look, that's all fascinating stuff but I've gotta get to band rehearsal.

Joey: Yeah, and I have a 10:30 slot at the Laugh Machine.

Danny: I have to do the sports at 10 o'clock. I'm sorry Jesse.

Jesse: What do you mean, I'm sorry, Jesse. Why not, I'm sorry, Joey, or I'm sorry, Danny?

Danny: Because I have an actual job that pays money.

Joey: And I bring the gift of laughter into the world. At 10:30.

Jesse: Yes, well I make music. Songs that touch people's hearts that penetrate their very souls. Now, how can you compare that to telling... jokes?

Joey: Are you seriously trying to tell me that music is more important than comedy?

Jesse: You got it, pal.

Joey: Two words. Ozzy Osborne.

Jesse: Two more words. Rip Taylor.

Joey: The Partrige Family.

Jesse: Anyone on 'Hee-Haw'.

Joey: Charo.

Jesse: Bozo

Joey: Hey, Bozo did some brilliant work.

Jesse: Oh, yeah, right, right. The early Bozo was real good. I'm sorry.

Joey: Okay, we'll settle this the only truly fair way. Ready? Go! (Joey runs out the door, while making talking gestures with his hand) Once again, comedy kicks music's butt!
Jesse tries to bite the hand.

Danny: I'm sorry man. All three girls are sleeping like angels. I know I can trust you, Jesse. If there's even the slightest problem...

Jesse: Yeah, yeah. Go live your life. Hey, babe, it's fine. I'll just give up my dreams to be a success in the music business. I'll sit home and read Hunny-Bunny In The Wee Little Glen.

Danny: I couldn't put it down.

Jesse: Get out of here.

Danny leave and Jesse closes the door. Jesse sighs while taking off his jacket. D.J and Stephanie walks down the stairs.
D.J. and Stephanie: Hi, Uncle Jesse.

Jesse: Hi, girls. Girls! You're supposed to be in bed! Girls! 'Woah! (Runs to the kitchen where D.J. and Stephanie are taking ice cream out of the freezer to the table ) Woah, woah, woah!' Girls, girls, aren't you supposed to be in bed dreaming about Tweety Bird or Big Bird or Larry Bird or something?

D.J: Uncle Jesse, if we get hungry dad always makes sure we have a late-night snack.
Jesse looks puzzled.

Stephanie: We're gonna have ice cream sundaes and chocolate milk.

D.J: And cookies!

Jesse: (Points finger) Freeze, chick! Alright, I know. I'm pretty hip here. You guys think I'm-I'm an idiot or somethin'? (D.J and Stephanie shrug their shoulders) Let me tell you somethin'. I know what's goin' on here. Your dad's gone and it's lets take advantage of the baby-sitter time. Well, I got news for you, girls. Your Uncle Jesse's a little too sharp to be taken on that kind of ride. Now, you can have ice cream and chocolate milk. No cookies.

Stephanie: Yay!
D.J puts her hand over Stephanie's mouth.

D.J: Okay.

In the girls room. Stephanie is jump roping while D.J is swinging the rope. Empty cartons and bowls are seen on top of the table in the middle of the room.

Stephanie: (singing tune) Z my name is Zippy and my husband's name's is Zorro. We come from San Fransico with a carload of zebras. A my name is Alice...

D.J: That's enough jump rope. Lets do the hand-jive. (does the hand jive while Stephanie keeps jumping next to D.J)

Stephanie: Ok, but I can't stop jumping. I may never sleep agin. (D.J stops hand-jiving and calms her down) Thanks.

D.J: Two bowls of ice cream sure gives you a lot of pep, huh?

Stephanie: Does pep mean you can't blink?

D.J: That's pep. (both hear music from downstairs) Party time!

In the living room. Jesse and the band are getting ready for rehearsal. Load music on instruments are heard.

Jesse: Woah! Woah! Woah! Fellas, I got three little girls upstairs, sound asleep. Sticks. (takes sticks from drummer) Licorice (hands him licorice instead) 'Alright'. (picks up guitar) Here we go. Jumping Jack Flash in 'B'. Ready? One, two, three, go! (sings and plays guitar with no sound) I was born in a cross-fire hurricane... (the band stops) What's the matter? Someone out of tune?
Stephanie and D.J appears on top of the stairs all dressed up to party.

Stephanie: Do you guys know any Bangles stuff?

Jesse: Woah! Woah! Girls! You're supposed to be in bed! What would your dad say about this?

D.J: He wouldn't mind. He'd say we're really lucky to have a chance to listen to the greatest rock band in the world.

Jesse: Oh, well, if you put it that way. Yeah, okay.

D.J: (talking to woman with purple hair) Great hair! Could you show me how to do that?

Woman: Sure. It's real easy. Just sprays right on.

Doorbell rings.
D.J: Oh, thats for me.

Jesse: Woah!

D.J: Oh, I bet my dad forgot to tell you about our 11 o'clock pizza. (opens the front door where the pizza man stands) Hi. How much?

Pizza Man: 11.50.

D.J: (Takes the pizza and hands it to Stephanie) Did the cheese slide off or stick to the box?

Stephanie: (Looks into the box) No.

D.J: (gives the pizza man the money) Keep it.

Pizza Man: (looks into the living room) Hey, do you mind if I check out the band?

D.J: Come on in. Open party.

Jesse: All right, girls, listen here now. It's almost midnight. You guys listen to two, three songs max, you eat your pie then straight to bed, no nonsense.

Stephanie: Boy, are you strict!

Jesse: Alright, here we go!
The band starts playing rock music. The girls are dancing on the monitors.
Jesse: (sings) Little sister don't you run. Little sister don't you run. Little sister don't you kiss me once or twice and say it's very nice and then you run. Yeah. Little sister don't you do what your big sister done.

Joey comes in the front door.

Joey: Conga!
Everyone does the Conga. Then Danny walks in and looks angry and shocked at everybody
, expecally Jesse.
Joey: Boy, are you gonna get it.

Danny: Attention, Solid gold, farm team. It's 12:15, and your hair is purple. (lifts D.J down from the monitor) Get down, and I don't mean get funky. (lifts Stephanie down from the monitor) (Looks at Jesse and Joey) Boys, boys, boys. Walk with me. Talk with me. (sternly) How could you possibly let this happen?!

Joey: Hold it, on behalf of Joey I would just like to say that Joey is innocent. Well, it's true I was doing a Conga when you walked in but... I Conga a lot. (sighs) My name is Joey and I'm a Congaholic.

D.J: Well, it's way past our bedtime. Come on, Steph. Goodnight, everybody.

Danny: Girls, get back over here! You're in just as much trouble as they are.

D.J: Dad, I know we're supposed to be...

Jesse: D.J, hang on a second. Um, it's not the girls' fault. It's mine. (D.J and Stephanie share a confused look) I invited the band over. I woke the girls up. I ordered pizza. i was throwin' a party. I needed chicks.

We hear Michelle crying

Joey: Baby alert! (imitates beeping) Baby alert!

Danny: You girls get right in bed. You guys follow me. And if that baby's hair is purple...

They all walk upstairs.

In the upstairs hall walking into Michelle's room. In Michelle's room

Danny: (to Jesse) You were irresponsible. You were unreliable. I'll get back to you. (to Michelle in her crib while picking her up) Oh Michelle. Aw, honey, it's okay. (kisses her on the cheek) Daddy's here. I see what this is. Michelle's getting a new tooth. Aw, that really hurts.

Jesse: (raises hand) I had nothin' to do with it.

Danny: Poor baby. Imagine a sharp, pointy, calcified projectile ripping and knifing it's way through you soft, tender, inflamed gum tissues.
Jesse and Joey make faces as if they are in pain.

Joey: I say we buy her a pony.

Danny: Sometimes a teething ring helps. (puts Michelle back in the crib and gives her a teething ring) Here, Michelle. Here you go. Here, honey. She loves it.
Michelle throws the teething ring. Joey catches it.

Joey: Is this anything like catching the bouquet? Am I the next one to have a baby?
Michelle cries loudly.

Jesse: Alright, excuse me, fellas. Let the pro in. I'll show you how it's done. (to Michelle) Alright, little munchkin, where does it hurt? (Puts finger in Michelle's mouth and she stops crying) Wait a minute, give my finger back, kid. (he takes his finger out, and Michelle starts crying again. Then puts it back and she is happy and stops crying)

Danny: Well, your brain's not working tonight but your finger's doin' great. (to Joey) Joey do me a favor. I put one of Michelle's teething rings in the freezer. (to Jesse) I'd like a word alone with the alleged babysitter.

Joey: Jesse, I guess it's a bad time to ask for that girl singer's phone number.

Jesse: (annoyed voice) Get out!
Joey leaves the room

Danny: Well, well, well.

Jesse: What? What? What?.

Danny: Shame, shame, shame.

Jesse: I feel like I'm being chewed out in the Grand Canyon.

Danny: I suppose I should be happy the house is still standing. I must have been crazy to think that you were adult enough to take care of my kids. You really let me down. (starts to walk away)

Jesse: Wait a minute! Where you going?

Danny: Oh, I thought I'd call up the Beastie Boys and ask them if they wanna take the girls to the park tomorrow. (walks out of the room)

Jesse: (to Michelle) You love this, don't you? (he leans over the crib and sighs)

In Stephanie and D.J's room. Stephanie and D.J are sitting on the toy chest and talking

Stephanie: Uncle Jesse's the best babysitter we ever had.

D.J: Yeah, but I think he's in big trouble. (hears a knock on the door) Get into bed. (Stephanie follows her into D.J's bed) No, no, no. Your bed!
The girls get into bed, turn out the lights and pretend to be asleep.
Danny opens the door.

Danny: Girls? (turn on the lights) Are you awake?

D.J: (pretending to be waking up): Dad, is that you?

Stephanie: (doing the same as D.J) Is it morning?

Danny: D.J, Stephanie, please come over here right now. (The girls come over to Danny who sits down on the toy chest) Girls, we have a problem with Uncle Jesse.

D.J: Oh, no, dad.We didn't have any problems with Uncle Jesse at all.

Danny: I'm sorry. He was just so irresponsible. What is this? (Sees all the empty ice-cream cartons and bowls under the table. He picks them up and talks sarcastally) Uh-oh. Empty bowls and empty cartons. Oh, now I see what happened. Uncle Jesse forced ice cream sundaes and chocolate milk down your throats and then he hid the evidence under your table. Ah, the sick fiend. He probably ignored you when you told him no sweets after bedtime, huh?

D.J: Probably.

Danny: No probably about it because otherwise you'd be lying. And you know better then that, don't you?

Stephanie: Probably.

Danny: Well, that does it. I guess asking Uncle Jesse to move in here was just a big mistake. In fact, this may be a matter for the police. (D.J and Stephanie share a horrified look) Now, sweet dreams, my perfect little angels. (turn around and is about to leave the room)
Stephanie: Daddy!
D.J: Dad!
Stephanie: We were bad.

D.J: We did everything. We even ordered the pizza. We should all go apologize to Uncle Jesse.

Danny: You're right. You go first.

D.J: Are you gonna punish us?

Stephanie: Before you answer that (picks up a slice of pizza from the toy chest) We saved you a slice of pizza.

In Michelle's room. Jesse still has his finger in Michelle's mouth

Jesse: (sighs as Michelle babbles) Good point, Michelle. The thing I wonder is... What's life all about anyway? I mean, 24 hours ago, I was a relatively cool guy. Today I'm a six foot teething ring. Yeah, alright, bed time. We're goin' to my bed. Come with me. Come on. Let's go. (takes his finger out. Michelle cries and Jesse picks her up and puts it back in) Okay, hang on. I'll put it back. There you go.
Jesse walks out into the hallway where he runs into D.J along with Stephanie.

D.J: Uncle Jesse.

Jesse: (tired but sternly) Whatever it is, the answer is no.
They all walks into Jesse's room.

D.J: We just wanted to say thanks for trying to keep us out of trouble. The only reason we took advantage of you is because you had no idea what you were doing.

Stephanie: From now on, we'll be good and do whatever you say.

D.J: (gives her sister a stern look) Steph, don't get crazy. (to Jesse) We'll try to do better.

Stephanie: You can cover up my bunnies if you want.

Jesse: That's alright. Your bunnies are starting to grow on me.

Stephanie: (smiley) We really love you.

Jesse: Well, I love you girls, too. (sternly) But next time you pull that stuff on me... (nicely) I'm still gonna love you.
They all hug

Michelle: Aaah...
Danny comes in.

Danny: Okay, now either you girls go to bed for real or I'm taking everything out of your room and turning it into a 24-hour mini-mart.

D.J: Goodnight, everybody.

Stephanie: Goodnight, daddy. Goodnight, Michelle. Goodnight, Uncle Jesse.

Danny: Goodnight, honey.
The girls leave the room.
Danny is holding a piece of pizza.

Danny: Hi.

Jesse: Hi.

Danny: Want a slice of pizza?

Jesse: No. Me and the little leech are gonna try to get some sleep.
Joey walks in.

Joey: I couldn't find Michelle's teething ring so I got the next best thing... An ice cold carrot. (Danny gives him a disapproving look. Joey takes Michelle) Well I could've brought the fish sticks but you guys would've thought I was an idiot.

Danny: Look Jesse... I want you to know that was really nice of you to take the rap for D.J and Stephanie. And I'm really sorry I got so crazy before walking around you going 'Well, well, well'.

Jesse: It's cool, cool, cool.

Danny: The girls just mean so much to me especially now, you know, since Pam's gone.

Jesse: I know what you're sayin', man. I worry about them, too. They're my neices. (sighs) But I don't know nothin' about this kid stuff.

Danny: Yeah, I know, but both you guys, you gotta remember don't be afraid to say no. Kids need limits.

Jesse: What am I supposed to know? I been here 12hours, you expect me to be Robert Young.

Joey: Now, wait, I'm confused. Is it Robert Young from 'Father Knows Best' or Robert Young 'Dr. Welby?'

Danny: This is gonna take some time. But we can make this work if we want it to work. (touches Jesse's shoulder) Jesse, you do want this to work, don't you?

Jesse: Well, at first I wasn't sure but... Oh, when I saw that kid telling me I could cover her bunnies up and... I was looking at that little baby in my arms counting on me to stop her from being in pain. I don't know man, I got all warm and tingly... Somebody stop me.

Joey: You know, I'm just happy to be here. I was an only child. All I had was imaginary brothers and sisters. It feels great to be in a real house with real people. Right, Leon?

Danny: Give me my kid. (takes Michelle from Joey. To Michelle) Okay, Michelle. It's time to go to bed. Yeah. (starts singing) Lullaby and good night, and there's more words I'm not sure of.

Joey: Conga! (sings) Da da da da da daaa. Da da da da da daaa. (Danny and Joey starts doing the Conga)

Jesse: What the hell? (joins in) Come on, Leon.

*** The End ***

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